Chenstranauts in space...

Currently My Life in France (Movie Tie-In Edition) (Random House Movie Tie-In Books) By Julia Child, Alex Prud'Homme see related

Waiting in the nebuli...

So it’s been awhile yet again since the last time I updated you with what’s going on and so much has happened I hardly know where to begin…

I, and my parents, are staying in an apt in Seattle while we prepare for, undergo and recover from a stem cell transplant in the hopes that it will cure me of this tumor forever…an answer to our prayers.

The care we have received here is great excepting that the communication is lacking from the top down. All we know right now is that I am healthy enough to undergo treatment and the specifics of what will occur once treatment begins. Other than that—nothing. I think it is kind of funny that I am so healthy in so many ways. It is a point of humor in most intake appts I have with doctors, social workers, etc that I can say “ you see I’m pretty healthy except for my tumor!” J So, for now, we are stuck on a path waiting at what seems to be a lengthy intersection. In some ways it is a welcome break. We are enjoying our non-hospital time exploring the city of Seattle. The weather has been awesome and the city amazingly rich and beautiful. Strangely enough we miss our home in Tacoma where the daily setting is more relaxed and the people more open. Of course we did just move into a new house down there a week before throwing a few changes of clothes and other personal items into our bags and moving up to this apt for an unspecified amount of time. I have to leave it at that and try to be flexible as I continue to be the “special” patient in all things to do with my cancer.  There are days I wish I fell into the norms as statistics go so things would be easier. That is not the case for now but we continue to pray ourselves toward a cancer-free future. Mom and I went for a nice walk along one of the local lakes today. It was an awesome sunny day and the trail covered with every color and age of people and animal. It was fun to watch everyone else enjoying  the beauty of our surroundings and the sun shining down as much as I was. It was fun. It’s been a great weekend. Mook-Lan, my sister, came up on Friday night to spend some time with the folks and I Friday night and Saturday. We enjoyed our visit. It’s been so busy for all of us  lately  that to have some time with the four of us was precious. We spent Friday night talking and re doing  our long forgotten toenail painting needs… a necessary item for us gals! Saturday we explored Kaboda gardens…an exquisite Japanese garden. We spent most of the day there photographing nature and exploring all the pathways throughout the garden. The rest of the day we took exploring West Seattle. There’s a great bakery out there “Bakery Nouveau” where we tasted their pizza, twice baked almond croissants and plain croissants, “Cupcake Royale” a locally famous cupcake bakery is located there and a nice walk along Beach Drive and leisurely return drive along Alki Drive which looks back on the main city of Seattle and Pike’s Place area. As we sat at the apartment at the end of the day relishing the feeling of full tummys and sun soaked skin we felt we had shared a perfect day together as a family. Thanks ML!

This week will run it’s course hopefully ending with at least a better idea of what the plan is for my treatment. We are awaiting yet another scan to let the doctors know if they can place a central line that is supposed to be done tentatively tomorrow with chemo starting around Wed. But who knows? Only God and the docs… I’ll let you know soon

In the middle of the night...

It’s times like this when you’re awake and the rest of the world is snoring away when you wonder what you did wrong…. I tried to sleep. Really I did. I laid there and closed my eyes and thought calm thoughts and varied every possible body position to fade into rest but it didn’t happen. First ugly pictures and then…my mind took off running. So I prayed and talked to God about a lot: asking forgiveness & unloading a lot of past junk telling Him what I would like to accomplish relationally in life. Then I tried some visualization techniques on my tumor getting smaller… I got sidetracked a little and started to fall asleep…but then, the steroids and my bladder decided to wake me up so I got up and then when I laid back down, IT, the moment of falling asleep, was gone. ACK! So I got up and tried to eat a snack…didn’t taste right. Then I looked at rental applications since mom has been so awesome to go driving and searching all over the known world of Tacoma and nearby areas for a new home because we have to move in the middle of all of this. But that in the long run isn’t very calming either. So here I am typing out some more of my thoughts in the hopes that it will pour them out of my head (where they’re wreaking havoc running in circles all night) and on to paper where I can leave them and go back to bed. I watched this testimony on the web earlier today of a guy who serves at New Hope (my old church in Hawaii) he talked about the important things in his life and why he chooses to serve & help the church every Sun. It was amazing. He loves his wife and has two beautiful children and he talks about Saturdays being family days and how he appreciates the time he has with his family and then he goes into what he does for the church. He helps with the videotaping of the services every Sunday from a wake up of about 0430 until late in the afternoon. Then he talked about having cancer ,not a curable kind, but how he still chooses to serve at the church because it enriches his life and the life of others. And his cancer is progressing and he looks like he’s in a lot of discomfort and weaker and yet still he serves. It made me think about what am I doing for God while all this other stuff is going on? Most people would probably let you off the hook if you chose to focus completely on yourself while going through treatment for cancer. But I don’t think I can do that. Only I don’t know what to do? Guess I’ll start with continuing the loving on my family and friends. And then on to whatever comes next. And being grateful for what I have already! Thank you God for today. Even though I didn’t feel too great. Thank you for my family. They just love me. For my mom who does so much I can’t even begin to list, for my dad and all his support--who sat and tried to cheer me up today while I cried over my hair starting to fall out, again. For my sister who even though she has to work all sorts of crazy rotations and hours, who is trying to survive as a human being in the rat race and maintain her work life, friendships and a boyfriend that lives on the other side of the world still manages to have energy to help me with my toenail art and take a little “Guaymas girl” time together. To my uncles Doug, Rich, Bee and Matt who call to cheer me up and the rest of my friends & relatives who love me. Be with them God and help them find joy and peace and strength in you somehow by your light in me. Is that even possible? I know the rest of the stuff on my mind: The stress over the right rental, the move, the trip to Seattle, the stem cell transplant…this cancer- my life… well, all I know is that God knows all things. And He will work them out for the good of those who love Him….so that means they’ll work out right? J

Ok, Let’s try and go back to sleep….

On parole...

So here I am back at home after a week in the hospital getting salvage chemo…

It’s amazing one can feel so tired from just laying around… J

The people I have in my life are so awesome-the family I always am blessed with, the coworkers who I’ve come to know and love, the staff at Madigan who are great and the new friends and neighbors I seem to keep meeting & making wherever I go and who never fail to amaze me day by day..

You see, there are beautiful things that grow in the shit that can overtake your life. It’s God’s way of getting you through it all. Like “ I know you’re suffering but here’s something to make you smile and help you grow…”

My thought for the week is on: People who are just kind. They don’t expect anything from you. Their greatest gift is their time… a phone call just to say hi (thanks For the call from Half Dome today Jeff!) or a visit…sitting awhile with you when you are at your weak and vulnerable point and making you laugh or not saying anything at all( thanks Matt Rodgers!). To all of these kind hearted people in my life- Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

And now, back to a beautiful day. The sun is out. A light breeze. The beauty of the roses we have worked so hard on since moving here. Thoughts of a BBQ with marinating ribs. A hammock, mom watering the trees on break from baking. Mook-Lan on a bike ride with friends in Olympia. Big Island cookies and Maui Wines on order to hold us til we can plan a trip in the Fall. And music playing in the background…what a day! Thanks God for my life today!

Currently Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know By Lori Hope see related

Round and a Round and a Round…

Funny how I can seem to think of a song for just about any situation. I think it’s a God thing. Kinda like when you’re really pissed off driving in the car and the music on the radio just seems to fit? Even when I’m laying in my bed at night trying desperately to calm my thoughts to a low roar so I can go to sleep…even then music comes in and makes things more peaceful. I think an old scripture memory song came in last night Romans 16:19 and I smiled as the muscles in my jaw, neck and shoulders relaxed…

This past week has been like many (in my past six months) in that I went to work and waited on the doctor to get back to me about results…and waited and well he got back to me. I go back into the hospital on Monday and will be there for a few days…

AAaaarrrrGH!

I had been trying to find a way to flee this land of cancer for a short time so I could replenish my soul before the next steps…just  long enough to dip my feet into warm aqua blue salty water and drink a Mai Tai … or two..or twenty(ok ok not twenty J). Just long enough to let my brain forget that six months ago my life had changed forever.  People wouldn’t be able to tell. My hair is long enough for people to think I’m going through a rebellious stage instead of it’s growing back.  My body though tired has maintained enough muscle with the  daily swimming, and …

Kind of funny to put it in writing that I wanted to flee… but that’s exactly what came to mind when the doc started talking over the phone yesterday. He had already told me the day before that he wanted to get started as soon as possible with my “salvage” treatment and had nixed my idea of a vacation. But when he called down and told me it was important to get another bone marrow biopsy that I should come up in a few minutes….my words were calm. He thought I was going to start cussing but what came out was: “Sure doc, I know it sucks but I’ll be up in  a few  minutes after I tie up some paperwork, ok?” The picture in my mind was not calm: there I was, suddenly a cartoon of me beating feet out of the hospital and towards the house as fast as my legs could carry me- a puff of smoke in the background. Like that old lady running in the movie Kung Fu Hustle. Then I slowly gathered my things together notified the people I needed to and headed toward the elevator. 

A day has passed and the ache of my hip is starting to fade. I’ve processed all that I need to for this coming week and talked it over with the family. We went for a beautiful evening in Seattle for Father’s Day. To dinner in one of my dad’s favorite places an Italian restaurant in the Queen Anne district called “Pasta Bella” and then on to hear one of his new favorite conductors at the Seattle Symphony and Midori a famed violinist. We had a great time and sat in pretty great seats. The music was wonderful save one strange modern piece that everyone in the family thought sounded like the soundtrack to a horror movie or Twilight Zone. And yet again music found me. Relaxed and grounded me.  And today we’ll go for a picnic…haven’t decided where yet. To celebrate Dad and enjoy his company.

My sister keeps telling me I need to start sketching again so I can capture all these funny thoughts as they come. Maybe I’ll throw a pad of paper into the overnight bag tonight.  Have a wonderful week everyone and thank you again for the love and prayers and positive thoughts…you have no idea what a blessing they are!